4 days

Today Ivy is 4 days old already. We have been home for 2. It seems like much longer than that! I am not sure if that is because Ivy seems like such a natural part of the family already... or because of how trying our little boy has been and how tired we are!

There are good parts and not so good parts to our days. The good parts:
When Jack comes in to the room in the morning and he and Ivy and lay in bed together for a while. When Ivy and I nap together in the afternoon, skin to skin cuddliness and warmth. When Ivy is fussing and then, the moment I pick her up, she quiets in my arms. The look on her face when she finishes nursing, all contentment and innocence. The smell of her little head and the perfect shape of her feet. The way Jack gives her eskimo kisses and touches her so gently-- during the 30 seconds at a time he is interested in her, that is!

The not-so-good parts: When Jack refuses to (fill in the blank: eat, pick something up, follow another direction, stop doing something, give the dog her rawhide, walk down the stairs, etc etc etc-- the list could go on) and we get upset with him. When we can't decide quite what to do with the baby at night-- are we co-sleeping again (it does seem we are...) or are we going to stick to our guns and keep trying her in her crib? The frustration that comes with not getting enough sleep and being out of our routine. How edgy we all are with each other, not used to being together so often, or in such a new way.

Overall, the "baby" part of this is easy. SO much easier the second time around. In fact I cannot quite comprehend what we were complaining about, how we thought it was so difficult, when we just had one little newborn Jack in our lives. Ivy continues to be a spectacularly easy baby, so far (though we did see a bit more alert time this evening and 1-3 minutes of fussing, rather than the continuous sleep she has been doing). But I think the biggest factor is how much more relaxed we are about her, how our expectations have adjusted for her. I am having a hard time being dilligent about charting her ins and outs; we just trust we are doing all right (we'll hopefully get confirmation of this tomorrow at our 4 day pedi follow up appointment). Remember how spastic we were with recording every detail of Jack's existence? How spastic we were with him in general?

Sadly the person who always bears the brunt of our expectations continues to be little man Jack. Poor firstborn. We haven't yet been able to adjust our expectations for him, it seems. We know, rationally, that his behavior changes since we've been home are normal, expected. Yet we still seem to be continually impatient and frustrated with him, as he vies for attention, purposefully pushes our buttons, talks back-- and did I mention refuses to eat? In some ways he seems so very grown up- he walks! he talks!-- but his dependence on us in underscored by the little misbehaviors he engages in all day, to ensure we are still noticing him. Poor sweetheart. This is what I need to work on, being more understanding of him and how difficult this must be for him, how he is feeling. To try to understand his behavior and accept it and then figure out how to deal with it, rather than just jumping to a "stop it!" response right away.

And in the midst of this are baths to give, meals to prepare, a bathroom and a refrigerator that are really in need of some bathroom-and-refrigerator-cleaning fairies... I am feeling a bit better each day but not yet up to housework, or much of the rest of it. I did manage to tuck in my boy tonight while Nat worked with little girl on spending time in her crib. It was nice to return to that bit of routine and remember what an amazing, smart little man we have as we compared and discussed diggers and tractors together. We'll settle in, eventually.