Five

The boy is five years old. Five!  How did this happen???

It was only yesterday, I swear, that we drove away from Hillcrest Hospital with our little bundle snuggled in his Peg Perego seat in the back of my old Honda Civic.  Craning our necks to peek at his little scrunched up self, we wondered that they allowed us to leave with him, all on our own!  Didn't they know we hadn't a clue?

And yet, here we are.  Five years later and my little bundle is not so little at all....he is snuggled into a big bed upstairs, clutching his new dinosaur pillow pet under his rocket ship duvet cover.  When he is asleep there is a tiny bit of softness  to his face and I can almost smell his newborn hair again for a moment.  Almost.

Five years out as parents and I think sometimes we know what we are doing.  I can calm a crying baby like nobody's business.  Potty training?  Meh, that's nothing.  I've read all the books on positive discipline and I have some moments where I nod with pride as just the right words come out of my mouth and magically dispel the chaos of misbehavior. 

SOME moments.  Like one or two in the past two years...

Yet, five years out, as I watch his deep breaths and the purity of his sleep I am transported right back to that moment in the car... Does he know I haven't a clue?  That I wonder every day, every night, if I am doing right by him?  That I hope against hope for his happiness and fear for the trials and frustrations he may face?  That I am mostly terrified those frustrations will come from something I have done wrong and I just don't want to do this wrong because there is too much at stake.  There is HIM at stake.  I want to protect this little being, so fiercely, just as much as I did when he was small.  He's not so utterly defenseless anymore.  In fact, he can stand up for himself a little too well at times.  But its there in me, that desire to scoop him up and keep the world at bay and rearrange the stars to fit him better.

Our poor first child, the guinea pig, who bears the brunt of our parenting inexperience.  We can do that baby and toddler thing now.  Training times two!  But with each age come new questions and challenges; the decisions and responsibilities seem to grow along with the child, and I still feel unqualified to meet them.  I may have two children but this is the first 5 year old I've raised...

We are going into this  year full-force.  A full day of celebration yesterday, and then off to Kindergarten tomorrow.  Kindergarten tomorrow!  Kindergarten!

I wish he was excited to go.  I wish his eyes were shining with the thrill of new pencils and paper and the idea of learning. 

But no, my boy's been up at night with anxiety and states in no uncertain terms that he does NOT want to go, that it will NOT be fun.  He's worried about all the other kids, he says.  And because he seems to be more than a little bit like me, I know he's worried about if he'll be able to do everything, and do it right.  He can't talk about his perfectionism yet but its in there, sadly, a part of him right along with his dimple.  I want to wish it away for him, and make the rest of his life that much easier.  Sigh.

He's resigned himself to going though.  We talked it through tonight.  He knows what to expect. I'm concerned with what shirt he should wear; he's concerned with getting his school supplies all packed up into his pencil box.  I'm going in to work late tomorrow to be home to see him off.  To pack his lunch and brush his hair and drive him crazy with pictures and fussing over him.  I won't be dropping him off-- our joint perfectionism is a deadly combination in new experiences, we've found, and he adjusts far better when daddy is the one to take him.  I think I am OK with that.  Though I wish I could follow him with my eyes, watch his day, see the moment when he realizes that school (like so many other things he didn't want to do, until he loved them) isn't so bad after all.  I know by the time I see him tomorrow night, the extent of information I'll get about the day will be "I don't remember."  I know my boy.  But maybe, just maybe, he'll remember something, something wonderful and magical and school will be a gift for him.

I want him to love it. 

I know he might not.

And this may be the hardest thing for me on this whole parenting journey:  reconciling my dreams and expectations with the actual human beings given into my charge to raise.  He will be exactly who he is, regardless of my wishing.  And his life will unfold in its own direction, regardless of my reading and analysis and second-guessing. 

And so far, that little life is pretty wonderful.  This child of mine, he's wonderful.  Unique.  Infuriating. Hilarious.  Challenging. Gorgeous. Wild.  Deliberate. Opinionated. Sensitive. Bright. Wonderful.

Five years.

From this...

to this...

I look at him and I hope we are doing this right.  I hope.  And if I let myself, I think maybe, we're doing all right so far.

Weekend

Two days is not nearly long enough.

It is Sunday evening and I am beginning to feel recuperated from the first week back... but not nearly ready for it to be Monday yet. I've spent the weekend striving to find a balance between the all-consuming nature of the beginning of the school year-- schoolwork calling to me, mind racing with plans and schedules and to-do lists of every sort-- and relaxation, clinging to those last few moments of summer sun.  And on the hinge point in between is laundry and cleaning and shopping and cooking and cleaning up from cooking, making cardboard crowns and pushing swings and racing Batman helicopters around the house.  Life, going on, on the weekend too...

Its all pretty wonderful, really.   Its been a good weekend, full but easy, slow-paced but never dull.  I'd just like it to be a bit longer, that's all.

My first week back was a whirlwind.  It has been lovely to see my students, old friends one and all, and they have all been little lambs for me so far.  I've had a few moments of actual teaching already, in between locker crises and binder arranging and rewriting the 8th grade schedule again and again.  There's a lot to do.  Two new grade levels of curriculum, in 4 subject areas.  I've spent several hours this weekend immersed in Science and Social Studies tests, modifying away.  Not to mention setting up for IEP data collection and team meetings and re-evals and... I've certainly had moments of being overwhelmed, of wondering why in the world I thought I needed a change, thinking wistfully of my binders full of already-done tests and curriculum units sitting back in my old room at Orchard.

But I think this will be good.  It is good to use my brain this way, good to stretch my boundaries, good to meet new people.  I like my room and the kids seem happy there.  My assistant is cheerful and hard working.  I am dreaming big and trying to take small steps to get there.  I am reminding myself that the beginning of the year is always insanity, that I am always this tired, that I always wonder if I'll ever get anything done.  It will get done.  It will....

In the meantime, the kids have still been on summer vacation.  In my absence this week they've gone to the Botanical Gardens, the History Museum, a birthday party, and the zoo.  Life is full and rich for them, to the point that Jack spent much of this weekend asking to stay home.  We tried to oblige, balancing our summer-sun outings to the pool and the lake with time for videos, pretend play, crafts, and his new obsession-- playing Dungeonkeeper with daddy.  (What is it about boys and videogames???)

The boy continues to be at a trying age.  Two days from his 5th birthday and he's been pushing the limits of respect and compliance in sch purposeful and deliberate ways that it would be funny if it wasn't so infuriating...

And yet-- he and Ivy have been playing together so well these days!  And he is so astute and observant and can be so funny and so kind. I wish I could tell you all the funny and wise and perfect things he says all day but my memory is a poor tape recorder.. I listen to him and search his face for signs of the baby that used to live there, and feel such wonder about him and so many questions and so much love...

And Ivy girl?  Well, I hesitate to say it (type it?) aloud, but I think she may be almost potty-trained.  She's been wearing panties for the past few days, and even wakes dry in the morning most of the time...  Its kind of unreal after our late-to-train, bribery-required boy, to have this done so easily, with nary an M&M in sight.

Her little bummie, in panties?  Too cute to handle.  She's a funny and dramatic little dancer of a girl, easy to love and quick to scream.  She's more verbal every second, begins all her questions with "Who", and threatens to bite her brother at the least provocation.  She loves animals and gently kisses any dog or cat that will hold still for it.  She loves babies and Batman and emulating Jack, and she's more excited about Kindergarten than he is...

I'll close tonight with a slew of pictures for you--the kids on their jaunts this week, our weekend together-- before I head to bed.  A momentous week lies ahead: my boy turns 5 in two days, then starts Kindergarten on the 30th, and then we are throwing an activity-filled dinosaur party on Saturday. In the midst of it I have 5 days of teaching to get through just as Nat's classes at Lakeland start up. Let the onslaught of life begin...

 Retrospective to last weekend:  A wonderful walk at Forest Hills park...

 .. and Claire's fabulous birthday party, complete with Rocket car rides...

...and the ice cream truck!

Canine Fun Days!

And, little artists at work..

Brother and sister...

 A wonderful, quick visit from Lulu early this week.. treks to Lakeview and the Gardens..

More birthday parties!

and, tatoos.  Our children are nothing if not classy..

see???? Panties!!!

Dinner with friends...

... and lounging at the Lakefront..

Not pictured:  the Greek Festival and a trip to the pool.  A good weekend indeed!

The week in review

  It's been a good week.  A fast week.  A lots-of-time-at-school week. A getting ready week; a holding on week.  A sunny summer-lovely week with rainstorms too.  Our lawn is green again and the kids are growing every day and its been a wonderful summer indeed.

We kicked off the week with a trip to Kiddie Park.  Gram met us there with the kids and we all spent a wonderful two hours in the magic of this little place.  Rides were ridden.  Ivy rode the roller coaster twice and would've ridden the carousel all day.  They each tried their hand at miniature golf and Jack proved himself to have some potential as a golfer, playing all 18 adorable holes and beating the pants off his mother.

I spent my mornings in Solon this week, tutoring four different kids while simultaneously trying to get my room, lesson plans, and brain in general ready for the start of the school year.  (not ready yet, by the way...)  Nat worked on re-acclimating himself to days with the kids.  From the looks of these pictures from the Botanical Gardens, its not been all bad...

The two of them can be so very wonderful together sometimes.  They have real conversations and even edge towards real games and play together.  Jack can get Ivy giggling like no one else.  And the way Ivy looks at him...!  Pure love.

But oh, the screaming.  One moment they are peaceful perfection and I sigh to myself, this is great, two kids was my best idea ever.  Then I turn my back, blink, take a breath-- and Ivy is screaming about something, Jack is grabbing a toy or tackling her, she is trying to bite him, scowling and tears everywhere, the time-outs start flying. 

My thoughts tend to run more along the lines of good lord what WAS I thinking?? at those moments...and I am not sure going back to work is such a bad idea after all...


At least Nat will have less of the screaming to deal with, as it is mere weeks before Jack's days switch from this...

 

 

 

Our beloved Parent Center.  Refuge in times of trial, bastion of calm and happy children, home of commiserating parents.  I love this place and can't believe my  big boy is "aging out" already!!

to this....

We went to Kindergarten Kickoff on Tuesday night and I got all choked up watching my boy line up so well with all the other future kindergarteners, marching off into the great unknown toward his future classroom, without a backward glance. It seems impossible that this tall skinny boy, this independent and outspoken young man with the sensitive streak and the unruly hair was a baby still reluctant to leave my womb just five years ago....Hardly possible at all.

Despite the night wakings and worries that continue to plague our sweet boy about this transition to school, despite the fact that he steadfastly refuses to be excited about starting, I think he is going to be OK.  He is going to be serious about it, and very very tired, but OK....

We've continued to work on our list of summer projects, this week tackling the side of the garage.  The new garden bed has been dug out and partially edged, and several rotting boards have been removed from the wall of the garage.  Nat and the kids worked together to paint the other day...  Ivy took her work very seriously, swaying and bending herself side to side in these great, long strokes with the brush, trying so hard to emulate her daddy. Jack, barefoot, did not want to step in the dirt of the garden and so painted one small area, very very thoroughly....

We've also continued to soak up the glory of Wade Oval Wednesday.  This week, we met the Perry's there, and also ran into some old friends from the parent center.  The boys were thrilled to join in the great running field, together.  I love watching Jack with his friend. They are comfortable together, and feed off one another's energy and joy...

We shook things up a bit by enjoying the open-late Art museum.  Here are Ivy and Jeffrey loving the big horsie..

Thursday we finally made it to Stan Hywet.  It was a cloud-shifting breezy day and our children have been more cooperative and photogenic than they were that day.  But the place is still the stuff of dreams...

Soon children, soon it will be time for the house tour again.  Soon.

No more hesitant baby steps through the dappled light of the birch tree allee.  Now, we race.

A quiet evening of books and potties and pizza picnics on the living room floor at Melinda's capped off the day.

This weekend brought a perfect birthday party for friends Claire and Jonah (the rocket car! The ice cream truck!  A bounce house!  AND a street sale going on in their neighborhood the same day!  Seriously. It was pretty awesome.) and today, Canine Fun Days.  Best day of the year.  So many dogs, wandering in the sunshine...

A grand weekend indeed and a fine way to cap off a fine summer.

Tomorrow, the ball starts rolling. Ready or not.  I'll update when I can come up for air...