Milestone day, today. I realize that I have wandered away from the original mission of this blog-- namely, to chronicle my impressions of motherhood--towards more of a "public record" of the daily happenings in the life of Jack. This is noble mission in and of itself, to be sure, and one that is certainly much appreciated by Jack's far-afield admirers. Nonetheless, I feel some musings about motherhood are in order on this occasion...
18 months ago today I was holding a very pink and sleepy newborn-squishy baby in my arms, wondering if I was up to the task.
18 months ago today I was more tired than I'd ever been before-- but not as tired as I would become a few weeks later!
18 months ago today I looked at the scowly little face of my new son and I didn't know where to begin. I didn't know how to breastfeed, how to dress him, how to help him sleep. I only knew I loved him.
18 months ago today I thought that I understood how life-changing parenting could be.
Turns out, I am learning more about that every day.
Today Jack is a year and a half old and I truly don't know what has happened to this time. I can see evidence of its passage, in the form of this little boy who lives in our house now, this little boy who walks and runs, sings and dances, talks and tantrums, snuggles and struggles for his independence. He is so astoundingly different than the little squishy newborn, the soft-round 6 month old, the speed-crawling one year old... I can look back at 10,000 or so pictures of his first year and see how the months have passed. And yet I look back and it seems like just a moment has passed since we brought him home, wide eyed and wondrous that we would be allowed to take care of him, all on our own...
18 months later, I finally feel that I am hitting my stride as a mother. I think that this feeling may be partially attributable to the fact that Jack sleeps in consistent, long stretches. As followers of this blog will surely note, a well-rested Amanda=a more confident and contented mother-of-Jack. But I do also think a part of it must be that I actually AM more confident and contented. Nat and I both are able to handle the basics-- diapers, feeding, bathing, dressing, heading out into the world with a toddler in tow-- with such ease as to hardly think of it. 18 months ago today, I am not sure I could have imagined a day would come when those basics would not be all-consuming, mountainous ordeals.
While we have much to learn about parenting a toddler (I am terrified of potty training. Terrified.) it does seem that Jack is turning out to be a well-mannered and happy boy, moving forward with his milestones in an appropriate way and charming everyone in his path. Watching him play peek-a-boo with the clerks at the Library Book Sale today, I couldn't help but feel that we must be doing something right. Yes, he has his moments of whining, or struggling against us as he tries to figure out his world. He is very much an 18 month old in every tempestuous, distractible, and motor-driven sense of the word. But he is also turning into this amazing little person who I am proud to call my son. I love being able to understand his words and his signs, being the one who can tell other people what he wants, what he needs, what his favorite things are. I love when he comes looking for me, calling out "mama." in his matter-of-fact little voice. I love the way he is becoming creative, and the way he studies everything in his world, attentive to all the small details. I love the way he gives me hugs and giggles up at me when he is breastfeeding, the way he enjoys books and adores his dog, the way he snuggles into bed with his blanket at night. 18 months later, I still love the way his hair smells.
2 comments:
I am trying very hard to recall how Jack's hair smells; what I recall I can't describe - exactly -but I can describe upwelling of emotion the process instills. Thanks to Amanda's musings and creative photography, the 1800 miles between us shrinks for a few moments each day and I am there with you.
There is an advantage of a sort to being so far apart. Since I don't see Jack every day, it seems he grows in gigantic and astounding leaps. I check in daily, looking for an update, and when there is nothing new, I excitedly reread what was posted yesterday. Wonderful experience and still so sad that we’re really not there to hug and kiss- and really recall how his hair smells.
Vovó gets an update each day when she gets home from work, and I give her a précis of the day’s blog. We sit in from the computer and read to one another the latest news as if it were earth-shattering.
Grandpa Jon
Hola from Vovó,
What fun it was to talk you today, Big Baby Jack. I still like to call you Baby Jack. I wish your mom & dad could send you to us for a few days, and we could play with you, hold you, and talk to you.
Grandpa Jon did a good job singing in German. How cute it was to see your big blue eyes, staring at the computer, really listening to him. I wonder what you were thinking!
How exciting it was that you wanted us to sing the silly little song about the five little trucks. More, more, and more…..I changed the word to truck, instead of amigos. My Spanish 1 class loves to sing during the 1st week of Spanish.
Post a Comment