Happy New Year!

Three days into this new year and I can't decide if I want to write resolutions or not.  

I've written so many, and writing them always feels so important, but how often do they really guide me into the new year?  These past few years it seems that life just happens, unfolding around me in its own way regardless of what I've resolved to do or not do.  And each year I seem to resolve the same things- get in shape, budget my money, manage my time, be more present.  All of these things must be the work of a lifetime for me because I never seem to cross any of them off the list.  So maybe its time to not worry about them.  Maybe I am just going to be a slightly out of shape person who spends money easily and says yes to doing everything and worries a lot about things.  And maybe that is just fine. 

Instead of resolutions, how about a word?  After thinking on it for a few days, and considering many contenders, I keep coming back to-

Balance.

I have put it aside many times because I think this word will be a challenge for me.  But it keeps coming back and I think it is what I need. 

Balance.  Between who I am and who I want to be.  Between the things I want to do and the things I need to do.  Between spending and saving.  Between saying yes and drawing boundaries. 

There is stillness at the balance point and that is what I have been missing in this crazy beautiful life of mine.  

Something to strive for this year.  Whether I get there or not, I am hoping the search itself will help me be intentional with, and present in, all of the moments that unfold in 2023- whatever they may bring.

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A look back at 2022

I asked my friends on Facebook to consider two questions about the old year-  What are you proud of, and what are you grateful for.   Best consider them myself.

What am I proud of?  Quite a bit, it turns out.  I threw myself into life this year and did so many things that were new, and outside of my comfort zone.  Some of them were more challenging than others.  Returning to travel, post-Covid, was a delight.  I visited two states I've never been to before and loved them both.  I was decisive and just went for what I wanted.  Want to see the Indigo Girls in Florida?  Just do it!  Want to take the family to California and Disneyland?  Go for it!  I've had this slightly manic drive to DO EVERYTHING these past few years but I think I funneled it into some really great experiences in 2022.  And then of course we have Orchestra Chorus and Ski Patrol training.  Not sure what provoked me to sign up for TWO time-intensive and demanding volunteer activities, both of which have pushed me to do things that feel beyond my scope.  General insanity I guess.  Both of these things felt so very difficult for me at first, difficult enough that I considered not doing them after all.  For really my whole first year in Chorus I felt so isolated and inadequate, intimidated by the presence of so many accomplished musicians, and too shy to talk to any of them for quite a long time. But it was thrilling to make beautiful music together, to be on the Severance Hall stage.  It was worth pushing through.  Then in the spring I took the risk of going to a few of the chorus social events, and discovered that those intimidating musicians were really not that different than me-- and were a lot of fun. (see gratitude below for more on those new friends). And making friends in the group has made all the difference-- I am more relaxed so my voice is better so I am more confident so I push myself musically and the cycle continues.  I am proud of both the vocal and social progress I've made this year.  And Ski Patrol- that was a whole thing.  It was a lot for me, the brand new learning, with brand new people, where we were expected to jump right in to role playing first aid scenarios.  I am not proud of the times I froze up and had to step out of the room to stop crying.  But I am proud of the times I kept going anyways, and the fact that I came back week after week, and even passed my final skills test.  I could not have done it without the support of my new Ski Patrol friends, a couple of really wonderful instructors, and of course Nat.  It remains to be seen if I enjoy the actual patrolling-- and if I can learn the skiing skills necesary for toboggan training... but I am proud to have at least come this far. 

What am I grateful for?  So much.  I am deeply grateful for the abundance in our lives. I have a fulfilling and challenging and stable job where I get to make a difference in the world and support my family. We've been blessed this year with good health for our family, and stability for my mom.  The kids are doing well in school (with just a slight bobble for Jack as he adjusted to his first AP class this year) and have each gotten into a new hobby- Jack, golf and Ivy, horseback riding. It's a gift to watch them love what they do.  I have filled my life with singing and it brings me such joy to make and share music with other people. We had the opporutnity to travel and vacation rather extensively, at least compared to our recent norm.  I so often fall into the trap of comparison and it's easy to feel discontent when you have acquaintances who are traveling to Europe or skiing in the Rockies.  But Florida, California, the Finger Lakes and West Virginia aren't too shabby.  We loved every place we visited and had a grand time.  I an continually amazed by the natural beauty of this country of ours.  What made our travel even better was that each trip included family and friends.  It was amazing to meet Ed and Angela after so many years, and to have time to really enjoy being with Jamie and Casey.  Adventuring in Florida with Donna was perfect. Our Farley's family remains integral to our lives at our home-away-from-home, with cousins coming and going, Ivy and Reese inseparable, Barb taking us out on the boat, Randy and Claire coming for cocktail hour... And to be with Melinda and Kate, and all of our families in West Virginia was a joy. It's been quite a year for new friendships for me, too.   How lucky that  my Facebook acquaintance Mallory agreed to keep me company at a protest rally, and how lucky we liked each other in real life too-  not only do I have a new friend but Ivy has a part-time riding instructor and Mallory has two 12 year olds who adore her and help to exercise her horses sometimes.  And how lucky to meet Holly and Mika and Claudia and Sarah and be invited to a movie night with them over the summer and discover that they are the MOST fun, because now I have Chorus besties and we go out for drinks most Monday nights and I am having a blast. And of course our whole new circle of friends from our OEC class.  Going through what we did together, with all the stress and accomplishment and strapping one another to backboards, was a recipe for fast friendship.  It doesn't hurt that the lot of them are interesting, adventure-seeking, and truly kind people.  I am looking forward to seeing them all at toboggan training each week this winter

I feel like life really has unfolded in new and interesting ways for me this year, and I am here for it.  If you keep yourself open to opportunities, it turns out, you new know what you might find.  This year has been an adventure for sure.  An exhausting, nonstop, challenging, fun-filled adventure and while a bit more balance might have been nice,  I am so grateful to have been on this ride.  

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If you've made it this far--  here are some photos from those stretched out days between Christmas and  New Years where we didn't do much and slept in a lot.  (I sure am gonna miss you, winter break)

Visiting the remnants of the winter storm at the beach before the 50 degree rain began..

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And getting in our first night of skiing, at Boston Mills, with surprisingly good "spring skiing" conditions and very short lines.  It was amazing.  

(Skiing.  I'm grateful for skiing, too.)

Spending some time with these girls and Goose!

Christmas with Gram and Kirk.  Everyone was truly spoiled and the entire floor of Gram's apartment was covered in paper and boxes by the time we were done.

Oh yeah, and we took posession of that new house we bought.  I still think its the cutest. I am also a tiny bit overwhelmed by all the work we need to do on it before it starts making money for us. 

So far we've taken up the cracked tile in the kitchen.  Next we clear the kitchen, back room, and bathroom to the walls, put in new floors, and find and install new kitchen and bath fixtures.  Should be quick and easy, no?

We had a quiet New Year's gathering at our place, with Melinda and Will and their family.  Got the house all clean and shiny, made cookies because of course, lit all the candles... and then spent the rest of NYE at the ER with my mom, who was diagnosed with a UTI and is continuing to feel quite poorly at the time of this writing.  Made it home for midnight, a few cosmos, and some love from my friends and family, and with their love behind me I know that whatever 2023 brings I can handle it.

My new hot tub will also help. 

Even though I'm finishing this post from my mom's hospital room, I'm going to do my best to focus on the good.  The beautiful moments in 2022, the potential for more in 2023, and my capacity to live all of the moments, beautiful or not, as fully as possible.