I've run a 5k every day for the past 4 days. It's been an accidental thing but I think it's going to be an intentional thing from now on. A 5k a day keeps the doctor away, or something. The weather has been cooperating and even on days that (somehow, strangely) get very busy indeed, I can fit in the 35 minutes it takes to refresh my soul in the spring sunshine. Can't beat April temperatures for running. The perfect combination of not-too-sweaty and not-frozen-either. The flowers have been bursting into bloom all over our beautiful city and the roads and sidewalks have been quiet and really, it's just lovely to get out and soak up these spring days. Lovely. Joyful. As I run I feel alive and well and happy. And as I ran today, feeling all those things, I also started to feel guilty. Because this time to run in the middle of the day is brought to me by a freaking global pandemic, and there is nothing lovely or joyful about anything happening out there in the world, just the other side of the safe, daffodil-and-blue-sky bubble of my life. This impending dark cloud is just outside my vision, and I'd better be ready for the disaster when it comes...
But then I took a big breath of that 45-degree fresh air and said to myself-- No.
No, I'm not going to feel guilty. Or frightened or anxious or full of dread. Not one minute more than I have to.
Because this, right now, this run-- this moment-- is my life and it is the good times and I am going to enjoy the heck out of the good times while I can.
Just over two years ago, I'd just finished treatment for breast cancer and I was experiencing not-insubstanstial anxiety about recurrence. My oncologist, who is a wise and calm presence in my life, said to me, "Don't waste your time worrying! Not only will it not change a thing-- but if the worst does happen? If the cancer does come back? Then this time, right now, this normal life- it's the good time! Don't let worry about the future take this time away from you."
Brene Brown calls that dark cloud feeling "foreboding joy." The feeling that we can't be happy because something is going to come and take that happiness away the minute we feel it. I fall vicitim to foreboding joy pretty much every minute in my life, no joke. Most of the time there is absolutely no reason. I just draw that dark cloud on my own periphery and let it steal my happiness. And the irony of this whole situation right now is that I think maybe some foreboding joy is actually justified, for the first time ever. There really truly is a monster lurking, ready to steal our joy.
But maybe the fact that its real this time- maybe this is when I finally figure out how to break free. How to feel the joy, and push aside the dread and anxiety and anger and paralyzing fear and just LIVE my life for a change.
Why not be happy in this moment? Why not revel in the gifts of sleeping in and reconnecting with old friends and being home and cleaning my kitchen and picking up sticks in the yard and taking my dog for walks whenever I want to? Why not enjoy the privilege I have been granted-- to shelter in a place of security and love, with parks and trees and beautiful architecture to enjoy? My guilt and dread and worry won't change any of the bad stuff. And in fact- if I am less impeded by guilt and dread and worry I will be better prepared to help and provide care for those who are struggling (People in the larger world- and even some of the young people here in my own home...)
This moment-- right now-- this may be as good as it gets. Or there may be a future that's even better. Who can say? But this moment-- right now-- is the only NOW we've got so we may as well enjoy the heck out of it. I am vowing to have more fun with my family, to enjoy this time we get to have with one another, with more intentionality. This moment-- right now-- it is precious and not to be squandered.
A 5k a day keeps the foreboding joy away. Hold me to that, ok?
No comments:
Post a Comment