One Big Boy

That's what we have living in our house.  Jack had his 5 year appointment today and he is in the 90th percentile for weight and the 97th for height!  The child is 3'10" already.  At this rate he's going to be taller than me by 3rd grade...

I realized that I've never done an official 5 year update for my boy.  It's been a bit of a rough transition to this new year for Jack, with the anxiety of school and changing routines.  I am not always sure how I feel about this growing-up young man, this challenging and sweet boy who is thoughtful and studious one minute and a wild banshee the next.  Jack at five is oh so excited about his allowance-- and happily puts two of his 5 dollars in his giving jar each week.  He loves to spend his quarters on tattoos at Zagara's, and is crazy about hunting for treasure with one of daddy's treasure maps.  He is eager to help and teach his sister, and just as eager to take the toy she's reaching for, or keep on tickling her after she's yelled to stop.  Jack at five is all about pushing the limits-- of our patience, or of his own endurance.  He is, as always, reticent to take risks, but once he starts in he goes full force, and often too far.  He is convinced he can't read and doesn't want to try, but he loves numbers and math and is getting pretty good at adding and subtracting, I must say.  Jack at five has a hard time listening to our questions, or stopping one activity for another.  He loves to draw volcanoes and pirates and dinosaurs, and he will play "battle" for hours on end.  Or, to my chagrin, Fish Ninja and Dungeon Keeper, too. He is quick to say no when given the choice, and just as quick to change his mind and fall in love with an activity.  He's a constantly shifting bundle of long arms and fluffy hair and twinkling eyes and attitude.  He's so very very tired at the end of school days...

But inside and under all that frustration is this emerging little person, this boy who thinks everything through and cares deeply about "always making the right choices" at school, who is witty and wise and silly and loves to laugh.  Inside this boy I don't recognize sometimes-- is the little baby I carried and rocked and walked and bounced endlessly to sleep, the toddler who charmed everyone in sight, the preschooler with his soft-consonant voice.  And inside, too, is a really big boy-- I can see the outlines of the 10 year old, the 12 year old, the teenager.  I can see him in there.  In the shape of his shoulders and the set of his back, in a flippant tone of voice, in those great long feet and impossibly big clothes I fold for him.  All those incarnations of my little one, wrapped up in this in-between self, this five year old.   He's so busy trying them all on for size right now, fitting himself into himself... its no wonder he's overwhelming to me sometimes...

On this parenting journey I encounter these moments where I am acutely aware of my role as a guide.-- and how difficult that role can be for me.  Looking at my big-little boy, I struggle to find a way to point him down his road.  To let him search for the best way to be in this world, in his skin, yet also help shape and mold him, improve his behavior, help him learn and grow.  I want him to be a reflection of me, you know?  Of my values, at least, and my own preferences and ideals.  But he is emerging into who HE will be.  He is, every day, more separate from me. And I have to learn how to hold myself back and let him strive, let him be.  He is five.  He will never be this young again.  He is finding his path and walking a little ahead of me and I want to hold his hand and pet his hair and snuggle him right up but instead I will find a way to be his map, his guide, a signpost and a gate for him, as he keeps on growing up..