mama love...

I felt it tonight, for real. That surge of almost indescribable love for the little one I've created. It was this way with Jack, too, I remember. I love them from the start, of course, and snuggle them and laugh at them and enjoy their squishy-ness and revel in the miracle of their existence, my little babies. But Ivy's felt like a stranger to me, almost, til now, an odd, vulnerable, generally appealing and sweet-smelling stranger in our home. I would catch myself studying her and wondering, "Are you really mine? Who are you? Who will you be?"

And who am I now, with you here?

The same questions that ran through my mind 3 years ago (though it is hard to connect with a time when the boy did not own my heart, completely and fully... by now it seems like he's been there forever....)

But tonight. Well, she's honing her cute-ness, you know, with the squeaky breath-catch at the end of her giggle and the eyelashes (oh, the eyelashes!) and the way she grabs onto my arm like its the only thing that's ever mattered to her. Wiggling her way deeper into that heart of mine, stretching and growing herself a space in there...

And then tonight. We are trying to do that thing where you "help" a baby learn to sleep by not picking her up when she wakes and cries. Otherwise known as "sit and listen to your baby cry for upwards of an hour, with short breaks wherein you pat and shush her as you listen to her cry." Good times. Right up there with the 7-plus times she's been waking at night recently. Just so you understand our decision to do this.

So, tonight. She'd finally settled herself after 40 minutes. Was quiet, and, I'd hoped, asleep... for about 20 minutes. Sigh. Crying again. I envisioned another hour at least, set the timer for 8 minutes, did some grading, then went in. Patted, shushed, then finally scooped up her little head in my hand and leaned down close and did my best impression of holding her without actually picking her little, sweaty self up. Because you know that's all she'd been wanting, to he held.

And the way she melted into me at that moment, the way she calmed and hiccuped a little and just sank into my arm, the way she turned her face against my hand and her breathing calmed and the way she is so little and wrapped like a burrito and so soft... I just stood there caught up in wonderment that this is her, the little person who I carried inside of me, the tiny baby who came out of my body and into the world, slippery and new. This little bundle of potential with the personality beginning to sparkle through-- this is my child. My daughter. And in that moment I knew her, and I felt it. That mama love. That feeling that my heart might burst and then the knowledge that it won't because its endless in there, because there is no limit to the love that I can feel for these children.

Children. Two of 'em. She's in there too, now. And there's plenty of room.

Oh, and she's still sleeping. Bring on the love.