Sorrow and Joy

I have a line from "When I survey the wondrous cross" going through my head right now. 

"Sorrow and joy flow mingled down..."

I think that pretty much describes my life right about now.

This year has been so hard. 

And so beautiful.

In the midst of the sorrowing- joy somehow abounds.

In thd midst of the joy- in creeps the sorrow.

Mingled.

Life feels like a lot right now.  

Trying to focus on the beauty of the mingling, the heart-tightness of it, the way that walking through my life right now is giving me the same feeling as the  ringing chords of "did ever such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown..."

Trying to feel it all. 

And also keep up with the laundry.

Yep, a lot right now. 

Here's some of it. 

The weekend my mom died was also the Requiem weekend.  Four performances of this most gorgeous music, with my beautiful and talented friends in the jewel-box of Severance.  Joy.

Two performances went as expected, including and opening night with no less then 4 people who came to hear me.  It is such a difference, having people in the audience who you are singing for.  

It's also nice to go out to your favorite bar with those people after the performance. 

That feeling when  you find out that a new chorus friend is also a neighbor! 

And when your neighbor friends and your chorus friends become actual friends! It was a pretty great night, that one.

And then there were a couple of pretty rough days.  That Friday I knew I'd be short on time in the evening. Nat was headed to Aurora to see his mom for her birthday, and I had my second requiem performance.  I went over to visit my mom at lunchtime and spent a little time with her.  She was groggy and not talking much and did not seem to feel good- but her hospice nurse had said they suspected an infection and she'd just had her first dose of antibiotics.  I helped her drink some water and put on lip balm, and we listened to a little Requiem before she went back to sleep and I went back to work.  I didn't know it would be the last time I saw her alive. 

But I am glad I managed to fit in that visit, at least. I just wish I'd have stayed a little longer.

Nat got the call on Saturday morning because my phone never rings through. He called me and I called Bec and those were not great hours of my life.  Bec wanted to see her and say goodbye.  I am very much NOT a fan of death and I don't think I would have gone but I will do anything for my baby sister.  And bless my friend Holly, who dropped everything and came over when I told her the news, and drove with me to Windsor Heights and stood there with me while I held the phone so Bec could Facetime her goodbyes, and then while I said mine.  It was a surreal moment, made possible and also made strange by technology. 

Then I did the only rational things one can do on the day their mom dies-  went out for Thai food, visited the lake, and drank margaitas while watching comedy until Nat got home from his truncated trip to NY.  Then I went and sang the Requiem again because what else would I do.  Not sure I was an asset to the group that night but I needed to go through the motions.  Sunday's performance though, was the best I've sung this piece.  That one was for mom.

Monday I went to work because that's what you do. Had the night off from reheasal so I got to go to the swim team banquet and talk about a pure joy.   I adore these kids, and their parents too, and this community we have all built together.  So proud of the work these young people put in, and how kind and supportive they are to one another. 

Random March snowstorm because we live in Cleveland and of course we get the snow AFTER the ski areas close. 

Spent the week working and going through mom's pnotos.   Joy and sorrow. 

Also went to the lake.

And an art show.

And gospel choir rehearsal- I love participating in the Community of Hope choir and was so grateful to be able to work it into the schedule this year. 

Friday night we got free tickets for the Orchestra performance of West Side Story, and Bec and Francisco were in town, so we made a night of it, with Dewey's and friends and lovely music backing up a movie that was WAYYYY more racist and dated than I remembered, and it was a legitimately fun night in the midst of preparations for a memorial service. Came home and mounted photos to trifold boards until midnight and it felt a little like those nights at college, slap happy and trying to get that paper done.

Mom's service day had a strangely "holiday" feeling to it, in that way that holidays are outside of time, and all you focus on are the events of that singular day. As such it stretched out, with enough time to shine up the house for the after party, and even toast to mom with some Old Fashioneds at cocktail hour.

You've already seen the photos from the service and you  know it went off without a hitch and that I was suffused with gratitude for all the help we were given, and even rather full of joy, to see all these people I loved in one place, to celebrate a woman who lived an extraordinary life in the face of so many challenges.  Maybe I was supposed to cry more that day, I don't know. I was strangely composed, actually.  I think I turned on my "hostess" and "performer" personas something fierce.  But I also think the thread of joy underneath the whole day sustained me. 

Brunch with our Michigan Fam on Sunday.

Cats.  And party aftermath.

I was a little bit tired all day Sunday.  Figured preparations and grief were catching up to me, no biggie.

Monday morning I woke up at 5 with a 102 degree fever.  I was set to take off Monday afternoon-Weds already as bereavement days, and spend the time with Becca and taking care of things. So I staggered into work to make my sub plans but quickly realized I shouldn't be teaching anyone and headed right back home.  Good thing because Nat thought I ought to test for Covid and sure enough.  Five days of quarantine for me. 

Two of those were spent on the couch, very very slowly doing progress reports under a heated blanket. I felt much improved by Wednesday and normal by Thursday though some slight congestion and a cough that sounds far worse than it feels have lingered for two additional weeks now.  What a strange little virus this is. 

The sorrows piled up when Nat tested positive on Wednesday and the timeline of quarantine's necessitated the cancellation of our planned trip to Vegas, leaving our poor kids with the prospect of a very dull, isolation-filled spring break.  

It was, reader, not my very best week.

But we got through.  I organized my office.  The kids did not get sick.  I got a lot of sleep which I think I needed, and missed a lot of rehearsals, which I did NOT need. 

To add to the things we were dealing with, we found out midweek that our friend Steve died unexpectedly. We later learned it was a drug overdose, likely heroin. His death hit Nat and I hard. He’s our age. Father of two. So kind and full of light. We’d list touch with him and spent a few days in the guilt and sadness of that. Thank goodness for our friends and for Zoom- a quarantine-friendly happy hour and lots of old photos from college (which Jen’s dad had individually scanned and hilariously titled some years ago) let us focus on our gratitude for having Steve in our lives. 

And by Saturday I was well enough to break quarantine and head to Akron for my spring break consolation prize-- the Indigo Girls show I was going to miss because of the Vegas trip.  Scored some great last minute seats and it was an amazing, soul-clearing experience.  Complete with a set list because that's how I roll. 

Lake FarmPark on Sunday - more joy. 

I love that our giant children still enjoy this sweet place so much. We never fail to have a good time here.

As soon as Nat was out of quarantine too, it was time for consolation prize number 2- a hastily planned Northern Michigan ski trip. 

We booked ourselves a room at the Pellston Lodge, a perfectly serviceable little spot in the middle of nowhere, and went from there to Boyne  and Nubs Nob. 

Also enjoyed the pool and hot tub. 

And pretty much took over the lobby for chess and drinks and movies. 

We fell in love with Boyne immediately upon arrival. From the tram that took us to the lodge, to the adorable Bavarian village architecture, to the glorious sunshine… and the skiing was awesome, too. 

Lunch in the Eagles Nest restaurant.

Views of Lake Michigan.

Spring skiing weather by afternoon and a friendly, party atmosphere. 

Dinner in Petoskey on the way back to the hotel. We were all exhausted by this point but also pretty ready to just up and move to Northern Michigan. So pretty! And such a long ski season! . 

Day two- Nubs Nob. A whole different vibe here. I don’t think anything there has  been updated since the 1970s- but it was delightful. 

The weather was crazy changeable and quite cold with 30mph wind gusts. I skied all day with my face completely sealed up  underneath a neck gaiter and goggles. 

But the skiing was top notch and Ivy decided the Nob was her favorite. Guess we’re staying at the Pellston lodge and splitting the difference between the two again next year. (Because of course my tradition-bound children are already set on repeating this same trip, evermore.) 

And look at that skiers smile! I’d repeat these two days any time. 

Coldest visit ever to Lake Michigan, dinner in Petoskey take two (this time Mexican) and a movie in the Lodge lobby, and we had ourselves a spring break ski trip. Joy from start to finish. I have such gratitude that my whole fam lives this crazy sport, and that we’re in a position in life that lets us all enjoy it together..That’s the joy. 

The sorrow for me was not being able to talk to my mom about about skiing Boyne and still remembering our trip there when I was 5. Not being able to show her videos of the kids skiing. Thinking of how she loved skiing so much, traveling all over, joining a racing team. And how she got too sick to do it anymore and how life is so short and unpredictable and so very full of loss. 

And how it all falls to me now, to give the joy if this to my kids, and to carve up those steep slopes with all the passion she gave to me. 

And now we are into April and  I’m working on regulating my life a bit, and it’s not easy but that’s a post  for another day. 

Driving to New York on Easter Saturday and this seems like an appropriate moment to pause in the mingling of sorrow and joy for just a bit longer- and then keep moving forward.