This beautiful boy of mine is a high school graduate, a rising college freshman- a young adult.
He's gorgeous and funny and wicked smart. Good with money and good with words. He's got great friends and a wonderful girlfriend. A golden time in his life, this moment.
I am so excited for the adventures he will find. It seems an impossibly short time ago that I was standing where he is, the world wide and thrilling and a little daunting before me. Ready to make the transition to a life away from home, heedless of how I might miss what I left behind. I can feel in in my chest, the anticipation of that moment. The possibility of it, my own confidence and anxiety existing side by side. The magic of it all, heightening and laser-focusing every thought and experience into deep importance.
I hope he is feeling that magic. I know his eyes are on the future, and his heart and all his time are with Vivian and his friends. I love this for him- even as I miss him terribly. I can feel the weight of his newborn body curled in my arms, never wanting to be set down, walking and singing him to sleep...even as I step back in his life, to make room for him to go. I can feel his soft hand in mine and hear his little voice calling my name, feel the way he needed me... even as he walks away, tall and competent and ready to take on the world.
I am joyful for him, and I am so proud that he is leaving me behind, because this is exactly what he should be doing... even as tears roll down my face for how fast it has gone. I remember vividly, when he was about 10 years old, tucking him in and kissing his soft face goodnight and telling myself to hold that moment tight, to remember his smooth skin and the roundness of his cheeks and the way he called be back into the room so many times for one more song or snuggle. I could feel time slipping by, that night and so many others when he was small--even as I longed for just a little more sleep, a little bit of time to myself. I knew so deeply that this moment was coming and also didn't really believe it would.
The nights are long but the years are so, so short. And I find myself wishing, so much, that I could go back to just a few of those nights and sit in them again and appreciate it all a little more. Hold it tighter. Hold him tighter.
But all I can do it sit here in THIS moment. I can't hold on to him. He's ready to go. But I can hold tight to how much I love him, and believe in him, and I can send that love into the world with him, send a part of my heart with him. I can look at his smile and see echoes of everything he has been and shimmers of all he will be. And be grateful to be here, my sadness and my elation existing side by side.
I love you with all my heart, for always, my Jackie-bear.
