Changes

Sorry for the quiet on the blog front, dear readers.  March saw our lives go into a bit of flux and in the midst of caring for all of our hearts in that time, blogging fell to the wayside.  Suffice it to say that March and April have still be rife with beautiful moments, because even in the midst of change we are the very luckiest, to live our busy lives in this wonderful city, to have the opportunities and activities and friends that we have.  I'll do a picture post to catch you up, promise.  And quickly because next on the blogging docket is a 14th (!) birthday celebration for the most amzing daughter in the world.  

Those of you that follow me on Facebook have already heard the summary of the changes that have been afoot. I'm going to elucidate things a bit more because this blog is not just about my children but also about me, my story as their mom and also my story as myself because those two things can in fact co-exist. 

When I was young I wasn't sure I'd be a good mother.  I loved kids, like crazy, and I was a pied piper for the littles in my nieghborhood.  But I worried that I'd lack the patience, the stability- the self-sacrifice really- that would be needed to have babies of my own.  

I am forever grateful that life showed me otherwise.

That I met and then married a wonderful man who offered the patience and stability I needed, to make myself ready to give that to our children.

That the universe made it easy for me to carry my babies (thank you lord for no morning sickness!) and that they were born healthy and robust and perfect in every way.

That we have had the resources and support to offer those babies all the love and enrichment and opportunity we could dream of.  That we have always had enough, and they have not known hardship.

That those two babies have grown into extraordinary young people, with good hearts and brilliant minds and a steadiness to them that I have never known myself.  They teach me and guide me every day and they are my whole heart.  Being their mom has shaped me and my life in the most beautiful ways.

When I embarked on the road to motherhood, I pushed my fears and doubts to the side and gave myself over to the task of being the best mom I could be.  My time and heart and body were theirs exclusively for many years.  I was pregnant and/or breastfeeding for 6 consecutive years in my thirties!  And had little hands and bodies in constant contact with me for years after that.  It was amazing and fulfilling and exhausting.  I was aware all the time that it would be fleeting-- that one moment crossing the street at St. Pauls, one 5 year old and one three year old hand in each of mine, feeling the pull of them and seeing our shadows in the evening light and saying in my heart, "remember this!" and I do.  I wish sometimes I had not been so tired because I am not sure I enjoyed that fleeting time enough.  But I do know it was beautiful.  And I was lucky every minute.

All of this is to say-- I am not complaining when I say that I lost a lot of myself along the way.  Because it wasn't a tragic sort of loss.  It was more a, giving over.  An allowing. For those hearts outside my body to be my whole body there for a while.  I don't think I am alone in this feeling.  There is no resentment about that loss.  But it was still real.

As my babies got older and needed me less, and as the world marched on and first the pandemic and then my mother's dementia shaped my life, I gradually became cognizant of that time-away from myself.  And started to come back into myself, striving to figure out who I was on the other side of a decade of motherhood-primacy. I sought out new hobbies and and embraced increased free time with friends and grappled with a strange sense of urgency in my heart, telling me that there was something I was still missing, and that life was short and not guaranteed.  So don't wait. 

It turns out, that what I was still missing was an acceptance of whole self.   I am not sure that a mommy blog is the place for this... but I'm also not sure it's not... so-- in college I was, for a while, out as bisexual.  Those four years in our liberal utopia allowed me to come to a few understandings about myself and my life,  and sexuality played a part in that.  But at that time in America, being gay still carried stigma, and pursuing an actual relationship with another woman was a daunting proposition.  And then I met that wonderful man, who stimulated my mind and made me laugh and made my heart buzz with a feeling of comfort and home when we were together. And so we stayed together.  And fast forward through all of our adventures and companionship and love for 12 years and then those amazing babies.  Sexuality took a back seat to creating our beautiful lives. 

Until all of a sudden it moved to the driver's seat instead.

Maybe it was just being in my 40's.  Maybe it was all those other factors at play in the last 5 years.  Whatever it was, though, it was like a switch flipped and it became blazingly clear, the reason I felt, unreasonably, discontent with my perfect life.  A fundamental misalignment was in there at my core and I was finally able to recognize it. 

Life leads you where you need to go.

These past two years have been a wild and terrifying and exciting ride of realizing that I am in fact a lesbian.  And grappling with what that means for my marriage to Nat and the life we have built together.  And joyfully feeling this amazing right-ness when I met, and then entered into a relationship with Holly.  And searching for a path of balance somewhere between the two.  And in the meantime still being Jack and Ivy's mom and tyring to keep up with the blur of our busy lives.  It's been..a lot.

This ride has allowed me to come to such a deeper understanding of myself.  Deeper even than sexuality.  An understanding and clarity that retrospectively helps me make sense of my whole life.  It is important and necessary and frightening. 

And last month Nat and decided that it was too important and necessary and frightening to keep to ourselves any longer and so we let our friends and family in.  We needed for all of you to know about these changes we are going through because we love you and we need you and we treasure your support. 

I have been overwhelmed by the loving way our friends have reached out and accepted this shifting reality.  I can't thank all of you enough.  You are getting us through the day because things are really really hard right now.

After much therapy and searching Nat and I have discovered that the right path right now is to have space from one another so that we can each evolve into this next phase of our lives. We are each taking turns solo parenting in our home with the kids, and then also spending time away from home, separately.  In the course of this we have gone from being one another's constant companions to only seeing each other a few times a week. It is a jarring transition, difficult on many levels for both of us.  

In the midst of the sadness of this change, I have simultaneously felt so much joy.  Discovering and embracing and then opening up about my authentic self has been so richly rewarding and exciting.  To be in a romantic relationship with a remarkable woman has fulfilled me in ways I did not know I was  lacking.  I spend half of each week living with Holly at her new house and loving every minute of it.

I have learned a lot these past two years about duality.  That I really can feel more than one thing.  That more than one thing can really be true. 

We don't have all the answers about the road ahead for our family.  But one month into this transitional phase we are making it through.  Nat and I maintain a deep affection for each other and we are dedicated to being successful and loving co-parents, business partners and friends.  Navigating this new shape of our long relationship is challenging but I believe in us.  Our kids have shown themselves to be stunningly adaptable and accepting, and being with them, facilitating their busy routines and watching them grow-- it keeps me grounded.  

Duality again.  I can honor and embrace changes for myself, and take steps to live an authentic life FOR myself-- and still be wholely dedicated to my children and their well-being.  I don't have to give myself over entirely, to be the best mom for them.  I can be strong in myself, FOR them.  I am learning how to accept this. 

Thanks for reading, friends, and for being here for us in our new truth.  Happy smiley family photos with spring flowers, coming soon, I promise.